Today, has been the worst day that I have had yet since I went through treatment. I cried this morning when I got up. cried before Reid and Hillary got here, Cried before Casey got here and have just had a bad fucking day. I was fine when every body was here today. I miss everyone, and unfortunately I didn’t get to see Cassie again today. Thats ok though, she was sick and hasn’t slept so we didn’t need two of us that were miserable for most of the day in the same spot.
Like I said when I started this, I CAN BARREL THROUGH THIS!
It wasn’t until my mom left that I have just had what is probably my biggest breakdown yet, my nurse has just got to experience the end of it and it is the first down I have broke down in from of the nurses. I try to stay strong in front of them, because they say they admire me for that, I DO LIVESTRONG, and I always will, but I guess everyone needs to lost it from time to time to let some stress out. Its not like I am mean or violent, I just cry and cry hard, I think harder than I ever have in my entire life, and believe me...I have cried.
This treatment though, it just has been draining me, and I cannot take it anymore, I am glad tomorrow is the last day for this round so that I can just go home and rest, sleep for about a week, watch TV, see Cassie, my dogs, the rest of my family, and hopefully just relax. Lacey was talking about coming and hanging out with me at home I guess (my brothers lovely wife), which it would be nice to have someone to hangout with during the days to keep me kind of active and not just quiet and by myself all day.
I really have to say today though, not to feel sorry for myself has definitely been the worst day yet. I can not control my emotions, it really really sucks. I haven’t watched TV all day, no movies, I was pretty much quiet and in my own little world all day except for when my friends were here.
I really miss my life, I miss working, my friends, and even the people I don’t like at work or where ever. I just wish things were back to normal already, it sucks. It is bad when I WANT to see the people I don’t like. None the less I want it all back.
I CAN AND WILL BARREL THROUGH THIS!
I have to keep telling myself that tonight because I am still crying and it is just not like me. I do not do this, and I HATE it with a passion when people see me do it. I guess it shows that I do have both sides too me though, not that I am just some tough guy, cause I am not always as tough as I make it out to be (even though I would like too be haha).
I barely ate anything today, ate some pizza, a falafel patty, some banana bread, and drank some coke and ginger ale. I really thing I could have went for a beer today. I am really thinking about talking to my doctor tomorrow about the Mirinol Pill, which is basically THC in the pill form. I would have never dreamed of asking him about it, and still am not sure if I will, but I think it will help me with a lot of my problems. Sleeping, nausea, appetite, anxiety, pain, and lots of other shit. I am not a big pot smoker anyways, I try to stay away from any and all smoking.
I just had a really good conversation with my Nurse, Jessica, that is on for the night shift about Mirinol, she said I should definitely ask my doctor cause she won’t look at me like I am crazy because it is legitimate and it is not like I am a big pot smoker like I was just telling her about because I was telling her about my blog and why I am doing it and I was telling her how I was feeling.
I mean I am not going to lie here, in the past I have tried a lot of different drugs, many that I will never ever ever touch again and will not discuss any further than this with almost anyone, but pot has always been one that when I have felt sick or anxious or stuff like that I have smoked from time to time and the THC in it has made me feel better. I am in no way condoning illegal drug use here, but I feel like that are certainly not being used for the good they could be doing for a lot of people, especially cancer patients.
So I think tomorrow I will speak to my doctor about it, or my Nurse Practitioner about trying it out, because I definitely need something that is a cure-all right now, and if that is what it is going to be, and they are willing to try and give it to me, then why now, anything to make myself better and make myself feel better even if it is temporarily.
I WILL BARREL THROUGH THIS!
I am feeling much better that I have blogged tonight and got some stuff off of my chest. I miss all you people that may be reading this, and even the people that I don’t know now or may never know now, thank you for all of your support, and thank you for reading. Please pass this site along to friends and family, people that might want to read about someone else’s battle with cancer, because I know how usefull it can be to hear about other peoples experiences!
So once again, Thanks for reading and being there for me,
-The Tech
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