*DISCLAIMER* -in this blog I go into some personal things that I have never publicly expressed before. You will most likely see a different side of me, but I would not be the person I am today without the things I have done in my past.
-Thank you,
The Tech
So lately I have come across an interesting space in my mind. This space in my mind is full of old memories...friends, family, girlfriends, the good, the bad, the ugly, hospital stays, and I mean just random things. It is about 2:51 am, and I am having a lot of trouble sleeping. Not because of these things that I have come across in my mind, but because of...well I am not sure really. Not sleeping is not really the point of this blog though...but if I had been sleeping this unfortunate series of flashbacks may never have occurred. The funny part is though, that all I can think of it as is one of those cheesy movie flashbacks where someone looks back on their life.
How it all started was I was watching Cadillac Records (I highly recommend watching it if you know anything about old blues and rock and roll) and I happened to think about a blues concert that I went to with my mother and father when I was younger. While I was there I remember I got a picture signed by one of the old blues gods that was playing there that night. I can’t remember who it was, but I went into my closet looking for this picture. Unfortunately I did not find that picture, but I did find a lot of things that brought back both good and bad memories.
The first thing that I found was an old cross stitch that an ex-girlfriend had made me that I didn’t realize I still had. I won’t mention her name other than to call her beautiful. Anyways, it was in a frame and there was a big “I <3..."
Ok let me stop here. There may be ex-girlfriends reading this, and I have to tell you...if you are reading this you are probably not the girl I am referring to. Not to make any of you angry, but there is only one girlfriend that I am talking about in this blog.
With that said...
Throughout my life, I have been through a lot of things that didn’t seem to teach me any sort of lessons. Now though, that I am looking back on all of those things that should have taught me lessons. The girlfriend I had, “beautiful” definitely taught me some lessons. The one I wish I had really learned then, was that no matter what happened...if you love some one, then you should show it. When times got tough, and things weren’t going the way we planned I did what I had never experienced before, and ran away. I wish I had never run, and there was girls between her and I dating again briefly...but because of everything we had been through before and me leaving, things would never ever be the same. I have dated a lot of girls on and off, and some of them I have to say were not love. I do regret some these things now, but without the experiences I have been through I would not be the person I am today.
The every other girl that I have dated, other than two of them I have not really loved in the way that I loved “beautiful”. Even now today I know there is something different about her...still today there is something different about her. There were a lot of girls in my past that I did not love, I only really lusted...and well that is as far as I will go with that.
While I was going through chemo, one of my ex-girlfriends came to visit me. I hadn’t seen her in a long time, and she was more beautiful than I remembered her. Though not much with her had changed other than she was more grown up. I still remembered the day I met her, confused well...I guess if I said why I was confused it may give away who she is to some of you, and I want to leave you guessing. It was a pretty funny situation though. She and I went through the good and the bad times, we had a lot of fun, she came on family trips...she was part of the family.
Unfortunately at the end of our incredible relationship there were a few things that tore us completely apart, and she and I ended up going separate ways and living very very different lives. There are a lot of days in my life that I wish I could go back and change a lot of the things that happened, and the decisions that I made. If I could do that though...I probably would not be the person that I am today.
So I started writing this on tuesday the 16th...it is now Sunday the 21st, and I am finally getting around to finishing this. I wrote all of the previous part before on that tuesday. Anyways, on the 26th it will be my 2 year Cancerversary from when I originally found out that I had cancer. Thinking back to that day I still really don’t think that day in itself changed me. Like I said before I believe that it was October 16th, 2009 was the day when my life really started to change. When I found out that I had cancer the second time, and that I would have to go through chemo.
I really do not know where I would be if I hadn’t gone through all of the things that I have. I mean and things could have gone much worse. I am still in great condition for going through cancer twice now, having heart disease, a blood clot, a stroke, and all the other crap that has been dealt in my hand of cards. I feel like every card I am dealt now is a joker card...always laughing at me, but never taking me down.
Anyways, I have to get some sleep, I am going to start blogging again regularly! Hope to talk to you all soon!
-The Tech
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